Why I Quit Graduate School
I made this "choice" from a slew of non-options, in honor of myself and in defiance of unfair, unjust practices within academia.
It was a hard, painful decision - because I’ve planned to return to school since I graduated in 2014; but it’s also the decision that feels most in alignment with who I am and what I want now.
I feel grounded in this choice. But also I’m grieving, I’m raging, I’m releasing.
I was supposed to start grad school at the beginning of this month. But less than a week before the start of classes, I withdrew from term.
I found out, belatedly, that taking only one class per semester meant losing access to financial support; that scheduling the courseload that works for me and my family would require me to pay out-of-pocket, right now.
Something I hadn't planned for.
At first I felt defeated: one more barrier to my education.
And then I felt angry: the absurdity of it all! The exclusivity of academic institutions that highlight "diversity and inclusion" when they are doing everything possible to NOT diversify or include.
So I withdrew from fall semester, my program, and the university.
I made this "choice" from a slew of non-options, in honor of myself and in defiance of unfair, unjust practices within academia.
It was a hard, painful decision - because I’ve planned to return to school since I graduated in 2014; but it’s also the decision that feels most in alignment with who I am and what I want now.
I feel grounded in this choice. But also I’m grieving, I’m raging, I’m releasing.
I'm grieving what I thought I would be doing this year, yes. But I'm also feeling this intensity of grief that's not entirely mine: I'm grieving this loss for so many people, so many womxn, so many mothers who are locked out of university for reasons like this, and more.
I'm raging at the unfairness of rules that prevent so many voices (not just mine!) from entering spaces of academic research and study.
I'm releasing the three-year path to a graduate degree. Because I refuse to “choose” between paying out-of-pocket for the fewer classes I need or accepting the constraints of a scholarship or loan that asks me to do more than I can right now.
It's an honoring of myself, but it's also in recognition that these rules are limiting and unfair.
Even if I wiggle around barriers that limit who gets "educated," when, where, and how… what happens if they remain in place? who would I be helping if I focus only on getting myself into school?
In my statement of purpose for admission to graduate school, I said, “If I walk away from spaces (including university) that do not support me now, what does that say to future generations of womxn like me? What does that do for the next generation of mothers? And what does that say to my daughters?”
Because I thought that walking away from graduate school was the same as doing NOTHING to fight against these incredible challenges.
It's not.
Here's what I want my exiting grad school to say to other womxn, other mothers, and my daughters:
“First, we don’t need spaces of injustice to receive an education, to learn, and to become. We can do this, and better, without institutions that promote inequality and ‘oneness’ of path and choice. We do NOT have to accept unfair and manipulative rules as a form of power-over, for ourselves or for anyone else.
A degree is not everything; and sometimes, it’s nothing.
And second, there’s more than one way to fight these barriers to our education. Some people will fight from the inside, but some of us will fight from the outside - until access to education is actually a birthright (and not a compulsory one) for all of us.”
I know it sounds bleak, to have prepared this whole year for something that's now inaccessible. And YES, it’s hard.
But it also feels right; it feels in alignment with my Soul. It feels like I’m ready for something new, something different, something next.
Something that aligns with my life as a mother, too.
So, instead of graduate school, I’m creating An Artist Residency in Motherhood, "a self-directed, open-source artist residency to empower and inspire artists [writers] who are also mothers," created by Lenka Clayton (who I discovered through my friend, Sarah Shotts).
The residency is an opening to creating work not in spite of the challenges posed by motherhood by in alignment with my life as a mother, a writer, a thinker. (Which is exactly what university didn’t allow.)
The same time I had scheduled to attend class, read content, and write papers will be spent doing this work outside the classroom:
exploring my personal relationship (and our public relationship) with schooling, education, learning, and teaching
redefining the way I think about creating (it's not ONLY something I do alone; it's not ONLY something I do for fun) + the way I think about money-making (it's not ONLY something "other than" what I create)
creating alongside my life, as a mother of young kids and someone who "unschools" at home
You can read more about the specifics right here.
looking forward to sharing more soon, xx, alycia buenger
How To Create In Alignment With Your Cycle
Your creative energy ebbs and flows, right? But it's (likely) not random.
There's a pattern, a rhythm.
And it starts with the body, and her natural creative cycle: menstruation is like WINTER; ovulation is like SUMMER.
Your creative energy ebbs and flows, right? But it's (likely) not random.
There's a pattern, a rhythm.
And it starts with the body, and her natural creative cycle:
menstruation is like WINTER,
the follicular phase is like SPRING,
ovulation is like SUMMER,
the luteal phase is like FALL.
Watch the video (above) for a full explanation - and then share your thoughts in the comments below!
xx, alycia buenger
Why "Consistency" Doesn't Work For Everyone
Let me start by saying: “Consistent” practice is not the same as DEVOTED practice.
Devoted practice works, I think, because it drops judgement + embraces flow.
Consistent practice fails, because it easily becomes about “checking the box,” like brushing your teeth (v existing in the entirety of experience).
Let me start by saying: “Consistent” practice is not the same as DEVOTED practice.
Devoted practice works, I think, because it drops judgement + embraces flow.
Consistent practice fails, because it easily becomes about “checking the box,” like brushing your teeth (v existing in the entirety of experience).
I used to believe the internet lie that consistency is key to success, and happiness, and ease:
“Successful people wake up at the same time every day. Happy people move through the same morning routine every day. They eat the same breakfast, at the same time, every day.”
Maybe that’s true - for some of us. But it’s not my experience (and maybe it’s not yours either).
My belief is that: we’re not designed to do the same thing, at the same time, every day.
Women especially (but men, too!) are designed to move through cycles:
We cycle through hormones every month, we cycle through pregnancy-birth-postpartum over 2+ years for each of our babes (if we have them), we cycle through drastically different ages + stages in our hopefully long lifetimes.
Which means, “consistent” practice doesn’t serve us in the way it’s advertised.
Devoted practice might, though.
My point is, if you are DEVOTED to yourself more than the practice, your practice can change - your practice can grow as you do!
Because you can trust yourself.
You can try and try again, believing that your sole purpose in this world is just that: to show the heck up, to DEVOTE yourself to yourself.
Thoughts on this? Share a comment below! Would love to hear your experience with these words, too.
xx, alycia buenger