Reframing My Experience of Time (as a Working Mother)
This year especially, as we’ve transitioned the kids to learning from home (and in combination with changes to my work-from-home business), I’ve noticed this sense of “never-enoughness” with my time:
I didn’t spend enough conscious time with the kids.
I didn’t have enough time for myself.
I didn’t get enough time for the work I wanted to do.
And when will I make enough time for my partner?
Spend enough. Have enough. Get enough. Make enough.
Is this all about scarcity of time? Is this all about how time becomes currency? And, is it possible to reframe my experience of time?
When I started working from home (and around the same time I became a mother), I thought a lot of my problems could be solved through “time management.”
And I’m not alone. Oliver Burkeman has written an entire book (called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals) about this cultural misunderstanding of time.
That’s kind of what I learned in school, too: employers want you to go to college to demonstrate that you can handle a massive number of tasks with limited time. (Ironically, or not, I did not learn this in college; instead I learned how to sacrifice FUN for WORK.)
Maybe, though, the solution is less about how I “manage” time and more about how I experience it.
This year especially, as we’ve transitioned the kids to learning from home (and in combination with changes to my work-from-home business), I’ve noticed this sense of “never-enoughness” with my time:
I didn’t spend enough conscious time with the kids.
I didn’t have enough time for myself.
I didn’t get enough time for the work I wanted to do.
And when will I make enough time for my partner?
Spend enough. Have enough. Get enough. Make enough.
Is this all about scarcity of time? Is this all about how time becomes currency? And, is it possible to reframe my experience of time?
Because cultural understandings of time will take awhile to change. But I can invite change within my own experience right now.
What happens when I consider that -
early morning chores don’t require me to quickly rush through; maybe it’s an opportunity to work (slowly) together with my kids
washing dishes after every meal isn’t a waste of my energy; maybe it’s an opportunity to let my mind wander for awhile
helping my youngest put on her winter gear several times an hour isn’t (only) time-consuming; maybe it’s, for some reason, the opening she needs to share with me her most thoughtful thoughts
The learned-feminist in me questions (1) why I’ve chosen these examples, all stereotypically the work of the “traditional” woman or mother, and (2) why I should have to reframe these experiences at all.
Have I devalued these moments of my day because they’re mundane? Or have I devalued these moments (and myself) because that’s what I’ve learned through cultural-conditioning?
(Probably both.)
And sure, sometimes I will hate these tasks and despise the number of responsibilities I hold as a mother - despite my attempt to reframe any of it. But I don’t think it’s possible (or even necessary) to examine and reframe every moment of my day, always.
It’s this contrast between the frustrated mundane and the sacred mundane that happens within my lived experience that illuminates what really matters.
(In this case, my presence within the experience.)
This week, partly because I’ve pulled apart these big questions about how I experience time within everyday life, I’m paying close attention to the little moments - especially the ones that feel “not enough.”
Is it possible that the short-and-sweet conversations before breakfast, when everyone is a little bit groggy and hungry for pancakes, is enough? Is it possible that the conversation-cut-short with my husband, about which New Girl character is the best, is enough? Is it possible that the half-yoga-practice between activities, or the few moments I can enjoy a still-hot cup of coffee, are enough?
I think so. (I hope so.) When the frustrated mundane becomes sacred.
xx, alycia buenger
How To Create Rituals For Daily Life
The purpose of RITUAL practice is often to signify a change from the everyday experience, he said.
This happens with “coming of age” rituals, holiday traditions, marriage ceremonies, baptisms (all sacred ceremonies you find within different religions and spiritual traditions).
But this also happens with things like bedtime prayers, journaling practice, and morning routines.
Because, put simply: a RITUAL is something you do in patterned intervals to mark an important change.
One of my first and most formative college classes was called “Myth and Ritual.”
I chose this class specifically because I didn’t personally enjoy either (and that’s always the perfect reason to learn more, I think).
I entered the class with the general opinion that RITUAL practice distracts us from real connection: to ourselves, to Spirit.
(You might notice the similarity between my opinion and the history of denominations in the Christian Church: following the split from Catholicism, then Lutheranism - there have been fewer and fewer “repeat after me” rituals in the Church.)
But, my professor held a different perspective (or several).
The purpose of RITUAL practice is often to signify a change from the everyday experience, he said.
This happens with “coming of age” rituals, holiday traditions, marriage ceremonies, baptisms (all sacred ceremonies you find within different religions and spiritual traditions).
But this also happens with things like bedtime prayers, journaling practice, and morning routines.
Because, put simply: a RITUAL is something you do in patterned intervals to mark an important change.
From waking up to starting the day.
From working to playing.
From alone time to family time.
From summer to fall.
From winter to spring.
From Thanksgiving to Christmas+Hanukkah.
From Lent to Easter.
And a RITUAL might be something you do once every year or every day. It can be elaborate or simple (the choice is yours).
But the purpose is to signify (to you and to everyone around you) that what you’re doing now holds a different importance, a higher frequency, a special energy.
What you’re doing now is Sacred.
And this is important! Because my belief is that we’re Sacred beings, our lives hold Sacred importance!
Why can’t more of what we do be bathed in ritual?
Why can’t we ritualize seemingly unimportant, mundane parts of everyday life?
Why can’t we create rituals outside the ones passed along?
We can. And my opinion is that we should.
Ritualize the simple things we do everyday to support our Becoming, the small actions or inactions we do on purpose, because this is what creates POSSIBILITY.
For ourselves and for our world.
There are lots of ways to do this! There are lots of variations of “how to create RITUAL” to support your sacred becoming (and no one-size-fits-all).
For me, it’s a cyclical unraveling of forever asking, “What will support me right now? And now?”
My best advice, though? Just get started. Then you have something to digest, change, and/or add onto.
xx, alycia buenger
What To Do When You're Feeling Anxious + Overwhelmed
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
I’m writing to you in the middle of overwhelm (which always makes me question whether I really know what I’m doing, whether I really know how to support anyone - including myself).
When I say “overwhelm,” I’m talking about what I experience as overwhelm:
anxiety, fear, anger, confusion, not-enough-ness, too-much-ness, wishing to be BOTH completely alone + completely surrounded by my favorite people (and maybe Oprah, and Kristen Bell’s character on The Good Place for good measure).
Basically, I’m feeling lots of things at once and almost no clarity about any of it.
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
Which is the point I think: to move through the feeling, to get to the other side.
So here’s what I’m doing today, to get to the other side (I hope it serves as a reminder, for me and for you, when overwhelm inevitably shows up again) -
FIRST, I’m slowing the fuck down.
Which honestly sounds insane, since my whole life moves at a snail’s pace (with young kids who do the same three things on repeat + inside a worldwide quarantine).
But my mind has a hard time slowing down, even (or especially) inside motherhood.
To support myself and my busy brain, I’m reading a favorite novel from childhood (to give my thinking-self a quick break) + cancelling all afternoon plans to sit outside with my girls.
(Please note: creating time to read + cancelling plans isn’t possible for everyone right now. My goal in life is to make it more possible, for myself and other womxn - because if we don’t slow down voluntarily, our bodies often make it a do-or-die necessity.)
SECOND, I’m pulling out my (mental) list of “what feels good,” and doing the ONE thing that will support me now.
I have a long, long list of what feels good + supportive… but I’m not trying to overwhelm my already-overwhelmed self, right?
JUST PICK ONE is my forever mantra. For me right now, it’s painting my nails the color that makes me feel powerful today: sparkles.
(And P.S. Yes, eating ice cream feels good; yes, binge-scrolling Instagram feels good… until it doesn’t.
I’m talking about the really easy, simple, five-minute things we can DO: like 10 squats at the kitchen counter, or taking a steamy-hot shower, or grabbing drive-through coffee.
The point is, it should be REAL self-care, not the kind that feels good and then turns out to make things worse.)
Thank you for reading today - writing about my experience is another supportive practice I reach for inside overwhelm, because it helps me (+ it might help you).
My wish for you right now is that you move through overwhelm + get to the other side with deeper wisdom, greater Love, and the strength to keep going.
xx, alycia buenger
(DISCLAIMER: none of the above should ever replace getting help from a trusted counselor, therapist, or friend if that’s what you need. I am not a therapist, counselor, or medical health professional. This article is about what I do to complement professional forms of support.)
Lead With Desire: How To Do MORE Of What You Want
Some of the greatest teachers of our time (Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map, all of Glennon Doyle’s words) - they say, “Desire is what leads us deeper into ourselves!”
And that’s my experience, too.
LEAD WITH DESIRE is one of the key parts of my work: first, because women often don't (and why not experiment!); second, because that's what's divinely gifted as guidance in the right direction.
The basic rule is this: Ritualize what supports you (i.e. do more of what you desire). And limit what doesn't (i.e. do less of what you don't).
Once upon a time I had an incredible therapist (who I hated) who said, “What you need is a box full of supports, metaphorical and in real-life, to keep you grounded when you’re ready to fly away.”
At the time I thought, “NO, what I need is a brain transplant, because I can’t escape the hard-ness of motherhood, and maybe, probably, another brain might?”
She was right, though.
What I needed was a go-to list of what supports me: When I’d rather eat ice-cream than write about my feelings, When I’d rather binge Netflix than roll out my mat, When I’d rather walk away from my family than plow through another hard conversation.
(If this all sounds rather serious, that’s because life is serious business. Fun maybe, but serious - and sometimes harder than we imagine possible.)
Quite frankly, I’m still not great with this practice.
I have my list, I have my box full of items that remind me I’m a Good, Whole person with a Soul-Purpose and a long, long list of reasons to show up.
But still, my practice is… a practice.
The important realization here is that: Everything inside my “support system box” is everything I love most.
And holy smokes, if that’s not the solution to the problem in the first place.
Do MORE of what you want, MORE of what you deep-down desire… and LESS of what you don’t.
Some of the greatest teachers of our time (Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map, all of Glennon Doyle’s words) - they say, “Desire is what leads us deeper into ourselves!”
And that’s my experience, too.
LEAD WITH DESIRE is one of the key parts of my work: first, because women often don't (and why not experiment!); second, because that's what's divinely gifted as guidance in the right direction.
Thoughts on this? Share ‘em in the comments below!
xx, alycia buenger
When There's Never Enough Time For You
I’ve felt it. You’ve likely felt it.
“There’s not enough time for me.”
Because there really isn’t - not inside a system that devalues a woman’s time.
We might have the same number of HOURS in the day, but not everyone is deemed the same amount of VALUABLE by society (and not everyone has the same number of OPPORTUNITIES to use time freely).
I’ve felt it. You’ve likely felt it.
“There’s not enough time for me.”
Because there really isn’t - not inside a system that devalues a woman’s time.
We might have the same number of HOURS in the day, but not everyone is deemed the same amount of VALUABLE by society (and not everyone has the same number of OPPORTUNITIES to use time freely).
Mothers especially are asked to “hold down the fort” while the world bumps along around us, without us, overtop us (even if we follow the ways of income-making).
I want to do my part in changing that.
And I have a twofold mission: To consciously UNRAVEL inside day-to-day life (expand our experience of time with short-and-sweet, devoted practice!); and to consciously question the system that asks us to de-value our time currency and squeeze into smaller and smaller spaces.
We practice together. We question together. We unravel together.
My work exists to support you in putting more of yourself inside your days - so that you’re no longer squeezing in time for yourself between or after.
Because you are priority - if not inside the world, inside this space.
This is my offering to you, and to those who feel the “not enough time” mantra of modern-day society.
It’s where I make my art: It’s the place that holds my writing + my teaching. It’s birthed within and from my own experience (and now, mixed with yours!)
This is the practice, the answer-seeking, the resting place, the try-and-try again place, the reminder that you can devote yourself to your Self - even when things are harder than hard.
And my hope is that it becomes a community of support along the way.
Check out my latest project: UNRAVEL YOUR DAYS.
xx, alycia buenger