Reframing My Experience of Time (as a Working Mother)
This year especially, as we’ve transitioned the kids to learning from home (and in combination with changes to my work-from-home business), I’ve noticed this sense of “never-enoughness” with my time:
I didn’t spend enough conscious time with the kids.
I didn’t have enough time for myself.
I didn’t get enough time for the work I wanted to do.
And when will I make enough time for my partner?
Spend enough. Have enough. Get enough. Make enough.
Is this all about scarcity of time? Is this all about how time becomes currency? And, is it possible to reframe my experience of time?
When I started working from home (and around the same time I became a mother), I thought a lot of my problems could be solved through “time management.”
And I’m not alone. Oliver Burkeman has written an entire book (called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals) about this cultural misunderstanding of time.
That’s kind of what I learned in school, too: employers want you to go to college to demonstrate that you can handle a massive number of tasks with limited time. (Ironically, or not, I did not learn this in college; instead I learned how to sacrifice FUN for WORK.)
Maybe, though, the solution is less about how I “manage” time and more about how I experience it.
This year especially, as we’ve transitioned the kids to learning from home (and in combination with changes to my work-from-home business), I’ve noticed this sense of “never-enoughness” with my time:
I didn’t spend enough conscious time with the kids.
I didn’t have enough time for myself.
I didn’t get enough time for the work I wanted to do.
And when will I make enough time for my partner?
Spend enough. Have enough. Get enough. Make enough.
Is this all about scarcity of time? Is this all about how time becomes currency? And, is it possible to reframe my experience of time?
Because cultural understandings of time will take awhile to change. But I can invite change within my own experience right now.
What happens when I consider that -
early morning chores don’t require me to quickly rush through; maybe it’s an opportunity to work (slowly) together with my kids
washing dishes after every meal isn’t a waste of my energy; maybe it’s an opportunity to let my mind wander for awhile
helping my youngest put on her winter gear several times an hour isn’t (only) time-consuming; maybe it’s, for some reason, the opening she needs to share with me her most thoughtful thoughts
The learned-feminist in me questions (1) why I’ve chosen these examples, all stereotypically the work of the “traditional” woman or mother, and (2) why I should have to reframe these experiences at all.
Have I devalued these moments of my day because they’re mundane? Or have I devalued these moments (and myself) because that’s what I’ve learned through cultural-conditioning?
(Probably both.)
And sure, sometimes I will hate these tasks and despise the number of responsibilities I hold as a mother - despite my attempt to reframe any of it. But I don’t think it’s possible (or even necessary) to examine and reframe every moment of my day, always.
It’s this contrast between the frustrated mundane and the sacred mundane that happens within my lived experience that illuminates what really matters.
(In this case, my presence within the experience.)
This week, partly because I’ve pulled apart these big questions about how I experience time within everyday life, I’m paying close attention to the little moments - especially the ones that feel “not enough.”
Is it possible that the short-and-sweet conversations before breakfast, when everyone is a little bit groggy and hungry for pancakes, is enough? Is it possible that the conversation-cut-short with my husband, about which New Girl character is the best, is enough? Is it possible that the half-yoga-practice between activities, or the few moments I can enjoy a still-hot cup of coffee, are enough?
I think so. (I hope so.) When the frustrated mundane becomes sacred.
xx, alycia buenger
Why I Keep Getting The Worst Advice
I recently signed up to receive business advice from a local group of volunteers, many of whom are retired from their own small companies or freelance work.
Aside from some possibly out-dated advice about marketing, I left with this feeling of unease in my belly.
My mentor suggested I eliminate anything from my website, my marketing, and my work that is not directly related to selling my copywriting services. Because that's what makes money; that's what prospective clients want to see.
And he is right. That's how a business makes money inside our current systems. Pick one thing, preferably the most lucrative, and “optimize” that thing until you can’t anymore.
And yet.
My work for other people, while I enjoy it immensely, is not the only thing I’d like to highlight - on my website or otherwise.
I recently signed up to receive business advice from a local group of volunteers, many of whom are retired from their own small companies or freelance work.
Aside from some possibly out-dated advice about marketing, I left with this feeling of unease in my belly.
My mentor suggested I eliminate anything from my website, my marketing, and my work that is not directly related to selling my copywriting services. Because that's what makes money; that's what prospective clients want to see.
And he is right. That's how a business makes money inside our current systems. Pick one thing, preferably the most lucrative, and “optimize” that thing until you can’t anymore.
And yet.
My work for other people, while I enjoy it immensely, is not the only thing I’d like to highlight - on my website or otherwise.
I also write essays to reframe conventional thinking.
I also practice and teach yoga and meditation.
I also talk endlessly about (good) books.
And I spend most of my days “deschooling” my kids (and myself).
I wouldn’t say I’m particularly complicated; but like everyone else I know, my work is complex and multi-faceted.
The thing is, though, I don't have anything to prove the real possibility that my multi-passionate method of advertising will work.
I have not experienced much in the way of financial success via my website, particularly since the start of the pandemic.
It’s just…
I don't want to squeeze my work into one money-making avenue. Even if that’s the one that will make the most money.
I don't want to eliminate everything else about me to advertise what I can do for other people - even though I love what I do for other people!
But underneath all these layers is the bigger (and better question):
Why do I keep seeking outside advice when I seem to know internally what I want and need?
There’s guilt: for not earning enough.
There’s fear: of missing my babies; of missing my Soul’s work.
There’s anger: about the guilt and the fear.
It reminds of this beautiful prayer within Paulo Coelho’s Brida. A witch named Wicca says,
“We feel guilty when we go out to work because we’re leaving our children in order to earn money to feed them. We feel guilty when we stay at home because it seems we’re not making the most of our freedom. We feel guilty about everything, because we have always been kept far from decision making and from power.”
Ah… there it is.
Within this system I have always been kept from my power. And that’s what I’m so desperate to change (that’s why I can’t seem to follow the rules without gut-wrenching dread that I’m sacrificing my Soul).
The catch here, though, is that now I know my power resides within my own body.
Yes, the system continues to work to my detriment. But I’m no longer kept from my power in the same way. It’s like I’ve been holding the key to the cage this whole time - but I’m also blindfolded, sometimes belittled (and I think someone keeps moving the locks).
deep inhale. deep exhale.
I can’t see the solution with complete clarity (yet); all I know is that I need to stop asking for outside advice.
Or maybe, I need to start asking myself for advice first.
xx, alycia buenger
How I'm Aligning My Work With My Values
When I say “alignment” I’m talking about the process of ensuring that what we do and what we value is a cohesive experience. ALIGNMENT is the ‘lining up’ of your life, your work, and your day-to-day experience with what your Soul holds most valuable.
You can (often) determine what you value by noticing what you’re doing now… and what you’d like to do next:
Does your life right now line up with what you value?
Do the dreams you hold line up with what you value?
Do you know what you value?
THE PROCESS of aligning your actions with what you value requires your Orientation toward what you want and what you believe - and then your (regular!) Calibration toward those things.
The last several years of my life (and perhaps, its entirety) have been about the adjustments required to genuinely embrace my individual and purposeful experience here.
Whether I’m the one making radical changes or the one presented with radical choices, there’s been a lot of “alignment” work (and re-alignment to follow).
When I say “alignment” I’m talking about the process of ensuring that what we do and what we value is a cohesive experience. ALIGNMENT is the ‘lining up’ of your life, your work, and your day-to-day experience with what your Soul holds most valuable.*
You can (often) determine what you value by noticing what you’re doing now… and what you’d like to do next:
Does your life right now line up with what you value?
Do the dreams you hold line up with what you value?
Do you know what you value?
To Orient yourself toward what you value most (what you want and what you believe): Imagine pointing your bow and arrow toward those things.**
To Calibrate (and Re-Calibrate!) toward what you value most (what you want and what you believe) - even if / when those things change: Imagine making small adjustments to your posture, your hand placement, and your breath as you point your bow and arrow toward those things.
Sometimes you will make active choices to align (or not) with your Soul-Self and her Values. Other times you will be presented with Radical Challenges that require your active choices to align (or not) with your Soul-Self.
And whether we make a Radical Change or we’re faced with a Radical Challenge, we can actively make choices to align with ourselves (or not).
What I’m currently grappling with (and a life-lesson I’m still learning) is that ALIGNMENT DOESN’T ALWAYS FEEL GOOD.***
My exit from graduate school seems like a Sacred Re-Calibration toward my deepest Soul-Values… but it doesn’t feel good.
Losing a pregnancy last month seems like a Divine Initiation for taking my next, big, scary steps into my Voice as a writer… but it doesn’t feel good.
In fact, both of these things feel like shit.
And yet.
I have never felt so impassioned in my Work-Life; I have never allowed so much balance within my Partnership with my husband (inside both easy and hard moments); and I have never been so confident in myself as a Mother to my girls, as primary decision-maker for their early childhoods.
The active choices I’m making inside this Radical Shift in my life don’t feel “good” so much as “right.”
And that’s ALIGNMENT: the kind of ‘hard work’ that feels important, purposeful, necessary. The kind of ‘lining up’ that cracks open possibilities that are my birthright (and yours, too).
with so much love,
alycia buenger
A FEW FOOTNOTES -
*Alignment isn’t always and completely possible inside an interconnected world plagued by patriarchal and racist systems that create an un-level framework for “choice.” My belief is that aligning our actions with our values is a divine birthright that’s been re-structured as “privilege” within our culture. But this is an untruth that requires our collection rebellion: Alignment with Soul is our birthright.
**This “bow and arrow” metaphor stems from a beautiful passage about parents and children from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran.
***Thank you to my dear friend, Kati Overmier, for helping me remember this Truth again and again.
An Artist Residency In Motherhood #ARiM
an artist residency in motherhood - “a self-directed, open-source artist residency to empower and inspire artists [writers] who are also mothers,” created by Lenka Clayton
the (original) purpose -
My reasons for adopting the Artist Residency in Motherhood framework are these: to embrace working and creating within my everyday life; to redefine the “limitations” of motherhood, work, and creating by earning a sustainable income for my family - and enjoying the process; to explore my relationship with schooling, education, learning, and teaching by unschooling my kids at home and deschooling myself within our shared life.
Following my hard “break-up” with graduate school, I want to create my own education at home and inside motherhood - while also sharing the process and the results publicly.
an artist residency in motherhood
“a self-directed, open-source artist residency to empower and inspire artists [writers] who are also mothers,” created by Lenka Clayton
the why: purpose + intentions
My experience inside motherhood is one of friction: I am deeply fulfilled by those perfect moments with my girls, the deepening connection to my partner, the pure joy that sneaks through the cracks of even our hardest days; and yet I’m always trying to “sneak” more time for myself, more time for my work, more time for important and frivolous things I enjoy.
Within my role as caretaker to my girls and partner to my husband, I experience the deep inhale of genuine, perfect fulfillment. And. Contrary to the story I inherited (and accepted) about motherhood… It’s not enough.
Care-taking, Self-Fulfilling Work. Neither is enough on its own.
Loving my people is part of what makes me a Creator; and honoring my creative work is part of what makes me Loving.
So, if I understand this consciously - why do I feel GUILTY about it?
Modern-day mothers are generally handed a list of expectations that include primary caretaking, household management, and paid work (whether or not it’s fulfilling, whether or not it pays equivalent). And often, we’re expected to neglect our bodies, our hearts, and our dreams for our care-taking and work responsibilities.
Because that’s how it’s always been done. Or so it seems…
Where do these expectations come from? How do we unshackle ourselves, and each other?
Because this isn’t the legacy I want to leave my daughters; and it’s not the one I want to accept for myself.
And so, we begin.
[NOTE: It’s important to say here that many of the challenges mothers face highlight structural problems within our modern society. But until we change our laws to allow for working parenthood, until we change our laws to adequately support families of all kinds, until we change the conversation surrounding expectations of and support for women, mothers, families, and children… solving this problem falls inside the domain of individual families. Which is complete bullshit and further highlights discrimination of minority groups. But this is the kind of bullshit I’m prepared to fight against now, so my daughters’ generation can reap the benefits later.]
{ORIGINAL} PURPOSE:
to redefine the “limitations” of motherhood, work, and creating by prioritizing my mind/body/soul wellness within and around creative work for income; embracing working and creating within everyday life with kids; and earning a sustainable income for my family - while documenting (and enjoying!) the process
{ORIGINAL} INTENTIONS:
prioritize my health, my rest, my play
expand my creative capacity for both daily life + creative work by exploring my relationship with time
balance work with life by incorporating both and reframing my experience of “work”
devote myself to the process of creating (more than the product)
earn enough+ with my creative work to fully support my family + my business
the how: limits + commitments
Our culture’s obsession with productivity-at-all-costs is at odds with my experience of creative work (particularly as a mother working alongside my kids) and with my desire to prioritize the process and experience of creating more than the product and result.
For this project, I will not remain inside a perpetual state of production; instead, I will embrace the natural process of creating - which includes rest and work.
Our Natural Creative Cycles follow the seasons of the year, the phases of the moon and the menstrual cycle, the universal energy of the days of the week, and the energy of the body within a single day. These will be my guide.
I will also distance this project from the algorithms of social media by documenting my creative process and its results inside this online studio (NOW CLOSED)
While I will maintain some interaction with Instagram and Pinterest, these will not be my primary places for documentation - because my experience with social media is one of frustration and required distance.
{ORIGINAL} LIMITATIONS:
I am the primary caretaker of our two children and responsible for the majority of our family’s income. I can plan for 1 full-day and 1 half-day of childcare support from my partner, plus 1 half-day of childcare support from my parents or in-laws; but my working schedule must remain flexible to expand or contract with the needs of my family. I can plan to financially support my family with my work as a copywriter; but this requires all of my available working time.
{ORIGINAL} QUESTIONS
how can I expand time within my everyday work-life?
how can I expand my income within “limited” time?
how can I create space for myself AND my creative work?
{ORIGINAL} COMMITMENTS:
personal commitments to my health, my time, my family: daily nourishment, daily/weekly/monthly routines + rituals for support, frequent time within Nature, daily movement
devote 2 full-days to copywriting work and 1 full-day to creative work for #ARiM
write everyday: free write and/or work in the early mornings; document my cycle, my body, my experience in the evenings
document in-process creative work privately inside this now-closed studio
document completed creative work publicly on instagram, my website, and via email
submit 10 articles for publication
This is a 3-year project (10 months per year) starting September 15, 2021 through August 31, 2024.
the what: projects (ongoing)
create sanctuary (online course)
create align (online course)
create inspire (monthly online workshops)
create unravel your days with Kati Overmier (podcast, online studio, printed planning journal)
create reframe (prints of my writing)
create art / earrings for sale
take a dance class
take a pottery class
support -
This residency is currently an unfunded project. Any amount of financial or other support is greatly appreciated. Read more about how you can financially support my work right here.
Why Non-Negotiable Habits Don't Work
One of the many, many reasons "non-negotiable" daily habits fall flat for me is that, my daily life is forever changing.
Partly because my babies are forever changing.
For awhile the baby was up really early in the morning; now the girls stay up late jumping in each other's beds. Which means, sometimes we sleep in, sometimes we have a breakfast picnic outside... and sometimes we let an early movie salvage a hard day.
One of the many, many reasons "non-negotiable" daily habits fall flat for me is that, my daily life is forever changing.
Partly because my babies are forever changing.
For awhile the baby was up really early in the morning; now the girls stay up late jumping in each other's beds. Which means, sometimes we sleep in, sometimes we have a breakfast picnic outside... and sometimes we let an early movie salvage a hard day.
If I tied myself to one morning routine, or one evening routine: 1, IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN (I'm slightly averse to do-or-die “to do” lists).
But 2, I would be a forever failure.
I prefer the RITUALS we create together: slowly making hot coffee while the girls eat breakfast, documenting the backyard trees with my whispering babes, lighting a candle at the start of my work time (however infrequent), squeezing together on our too-small couch to read stories they’ll act out later.
But these are never "non-negotiable.” Otherwise I'd be constantly trying, "failing," and re-starting my life more often than not.
I prefer instead to feel the significance of sacred moments as often as possible, much more than regulating their consistency.
Thoughts on this? Share a comment below - I would love to hear your perspective.
xx, alycia buenger
How To Create Rituals For Daily Life
The purpose of RITUAL practice is often to signify a change from the everyday experience, he said.
This happens with “coming of age” rituals, holiday traditions, marriage ceremonies, baptisms (all sacred ceremonies you find within different religions and spiritual traditions).
But this also happens with things like bedtime prayers, journaling practice, and morning routines.
Because, put simply: a RITUAL is something you do in patterned intervals to mark an important change.
One of my first and most formative college classes was called “Myth and Ritual.”
I chose this class specifically because I didn’t personally enjoy either (and that’s always the perfect reason to learn more, I think).
I entered the class with the general opinion that RITUAL practice distracts us from real connection: to ourselves, to Spirit.
(You might notice the similarity between my opinion and the history of denominations in the Christian Church: following the split from Catholicism, then Lutheranism - there have been fewer and fewer “repeat after me” rituals in the Church.)
But, my professor held a different perspective (or several).
The purpose of RITUAL practice is often to signify a change from the everyday experience, he said.
This happens with “coming of age” rituals, holiday traditions, marriage ceremonies, baptisms (all sacred ceremonies you find within different religions and spiritual traditions).
But this also happens with things like bedtime prayers, journaling practice, and morning routines.
Because, put simply: a RITUAL is something you do in patterned intervals to mark an important change.
From waking up to starting the day.
From working to playing.
From alone time to family time.
From summer to fall.
From winter to spring.
From Thanksgiving to Christmas+Hanukkah.
From Lent to Easter.
And a RITUAL might be something you do once every year or every day. It can be elaborate or simple (the choice is yours).
But the purpose is to signify (to you and to everyone around you) that what you’re doing now holds a different importance, a higher frequency, a special energy.
What you’re doing now is Sacred.
And this is important! Because my belief is that we’re Sacred beings, our lives hold Sacred importance!
Why can’t more of what we do be bathed in ritual?
Why can’t we ritualize seemingly unimportant, mundane parts of everyday life?
Why can’t we create rituals outside the ones passed along?
We can. And my opinion is that we should.
Ritualize the simple things we do everyday to support our Becoming, the small actions or inactions we do on purpose, because this is what creates POSSIBILITY.
For ourselves and for our world.
There are lots of ways to do this! There are lots of variations of “how to create RITUAL” to support your sacred becoming (and no one-size-fits-all).
For me, it’s a cyclical unraveling of forever asking, “What will support me right now? And now?”
My best advice, though? Just get started. Then you have something to digest, change, and/or add onto.
xx, alycia buenger
What To Do When You're Feeling Anxious + Overwhelmed
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
I’m writing to you in the middle of overwhelm (which always makes me question whether I really know what I’m doing, whether I really know how to support anyone - including myself).
When I say “overwhelm,” I’m talking about what I experience as overwhelm:
anxiety, fear, anger, confusion, not-enough-ness, too-much-ness, wishing to be BOTH completely alone + completely surrounded by my favorite people (and maybe Oprah, and Kristen Bell’s character on The Good Place for good measure).
Basically, I’m feeling lots of things at once and almost no clarity about any of it.
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
Which is the point I think: to move through the feeling, to get to the other side.
So here’s what I’m doing today, to get to the other side (I hope it serves as a reminder, for me and for you, when overwhelm inevitably shows up again) -
FIRST, I’m slowing the fuck down.
Which honestly sounds insane, since my whole life moves at a snail’s pace (with young kids who do the same three things on repeat + inside a worldwide quarantine).
But my mind has a hard time slowing down, even (or especially) inside motherhood.
To support myself and my busy brain, I’m reading a favorite novel from childhood (to give my thinking-self a quick break) + cancelling all afternoon plans to sit outside with my girls.
(Please note: creating time to read + cancelling plans isn’t possible for everyone right now. My goal in life is to make it more possible, for myself and other womxn - because if we don’t slow down voluntarily, our bodies often make it a do-or-die necessity.)
SECOND, I’m pulling out my (mental) list of “what feels good,” and doing the ONE thing that will support me now.
I have a long, long list of what feels good + supportive… but I’m not trying to overwhelm my already-overwhelmed self, right?
JUST PICK ONE is my forever mantra. For me right now, it’s painting my nails the color that makes me feel powerful today: sparkles.
(And P.S. Yes, eating ice cream feels good; yes, binge-scrolling Instagram feels good… until it doesn’t.
I’m talking about the really easy, simple, five-minute things we can DO: like 10 squats at the kitchen counter, or taking a steamy-hot shower, or grabbing drive-through coffee.
The point is, it should be REAL self-care, not the kind that feels good and then turns out to make things worse.)
Thank you for reading today - writing about my experience is another supportive practice I reach for inside overwhelm, because it helps me (+ it might help you).
My wish for you right now is that you move through overwhelm + get to the other side with deeper wisdom, greater Love, and the strength to keep going.
xx, alycia buenger
(DISCLAIMER: none of the above should ever replace getting help from a trusted counselor, therapist, or friend if that’s what you need. I am not a therapist, counselor, or medical health professional. This article is about what I do to complement professional forms of support.)