Why I Keep Getting The Worst Advice
I recently signed up to receive business advice from a local group of volunteers, many of whom are retired from their own small companies or freelance work.
Aside from some possibly out-dated advice about marketing, I left with this feeling of unease in my belly.
My mentor suggested I eliminate anything from my website, my marketing, and my work that is not directly related to selling my copywriting services. Because that's what makes money; that's what prospective clients want to see.
And he is right. That's how a business makes money inside our current systems. Pick one thing, preferably the most lucrative, and “optimize” that thing until you can’t anymore.
And yet.
My work for other people, while I enjoy it immensely, is not the only thing I’d like to highlight - on my website or otherwise.
I recently signed up to receive business advice from a local group of volunteers, many of whom are retired from their own small companies or freelance work.
Aside from some possibly out-dated advice about marketing, I left with this feeling of unease in my belly.
My mentor suggested I eliminate anything from my website, my marketing, and my work that is not directly related to selling my copywriting services. Because that's what makes money; that's what prospective clients want to see.
And he is right. That's how a business makes money inside our current systems. Pick one thing, preferably the most lucrative, and “optimize” that thing until you can’t anymore.
And yet.
My work for other people, while I enjoy it immensely, is not the only thing I’d like to highlight - on my website or otherwise.
I also write essays to reframe conventional thinking.
I also practice and teach yoga and meditation.
I also talk endlessly about (good) books.
And I spend most of my days “deschooling” my kids (and myself).
I wouldn’t say I’m particularly complicated; but like everyone else I know, my work is complex and multi-faceted.
The thing is, though, I don't have anything to prove the real possibility that my multi-passionate method of advertising will work.
I have not experienced much in the way of financial success via my website, particularly since the start of the pandemic.
It’s just…
I don't want to squeeze my work into one money-making avenue. Even if that’s the one that will make the most money.
I don't want to eliminate everything else about me to advertise what I can do for other people - even though I love what I do for other people!
But underneath all these layers is the bigger (and better question):
Why do I keep seeking outside advice when I seem to know internally what I want and need?
There’s guilt: for not earning enough.
There’s fear: of missing my babies; of missing my Soul’s work.
There’s anger: about the guilt and the fear.
It reminds of this beautiful prayer within Paulo Coelho’s Brida. A witch named Wicca says,
“We feel guilty when we go out to work because we’re leaving our children in order to earn money to feed them. We feel guilty when we stay at home because it seems we’re not making the most of our freedom. We feel guilty about everything, because we have always been kept far from decision making and from power.”
Ah… there it is.
Within this system I have always been kept from my power. And that’s what I’m so desperate to change (that’s why I can’t seem to follow the rules without gut-wrenching dread that I’m sacrificing my Soul).
The catch here, though, is that now I know my power resides within my own body.
Yes, the system continues to work to my detriment. But I’m no longer kept from my power in the same way. It’s like I’ve been holding the key to the cage this whole time - but I’m also blindfolded, sometimes belittled (and I think someone keeps moving the locks).
deep inhale. deep exhale.
I can’t see the solution with complete clarity (yet); all I know is that I need to stop asking for outside advice.
Or maybe, I need to start asking myself for advice first.
xx, alycia buenger
What To Do When You're Feeling Anxious + Overwhelmed
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
I’m writing to you in the middle of overwhelm (which always makes me question whether I really know what I’m doing, whether I really know how to support anyone - including myself).
When I say “overwhelm,” I’m talking about what I experience as overwhelm:
anxiety, fear, anger, confusion, not-enough-ness, too-much-ness, wishing to be BOTH completely alone + completely surrounded by my favorite people (and maybe Oprah, and Kristen Bell’s character on The Good Place for good measure).
Basically, I’m feeling lots of things at once and almost no clarity about any of it.
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
Which is the point I think: to move through the feeling, to get to the other side.
So here’s what I’m doing today, to get to the other side (I hope it serves as a reminder, for me and for you, when overwhelm inevitably shows up again) -
FIRST, I’m slowing the fuck down.
Which honestly sounds insane, since my whole life moves at a snail’s pace (with young kids who do the same three things on repeat + inside a worldwide quarantine).
But my mind has a hard time slowing down, even (or especially) inside motherhood.
To support myself and my busy brain, I’m reading a favorite novel from childhood (to give my thinking-self a quick break) + cancelling all afternoon plans to sit outside with my girls.
(Please note: creating time to read + cancelling plans isn’t possible for everyone right now. My goal in life is to make it more possible, for myself and other womxn - because if we don’t slow down voluntarily, our bodies often make it a do-or-die necessity.)
SECOND, I’m pulling out my (mental) list of “what feels good,” and doing the ONE thing that will support me now.
I have a long, long list of what feels good + supportive… but I’m not trying to overwhelm my already-overwhelmed self, right?
JUST PICK ONE is my forever mantra. For me right now, it’s painting my nails the color that makes me feel powerful today: sparkles.
(And P.S. Yes, eating ice cream feels good; yes, binge-scrolling Instagram feels good… until it doesn’t.
I’m talking about the really easy, simple, five-minute things we can DO: like 10 squats at the kitchen counter, or taking a steamy-hot shower, or grabbing drive-through coffee.
The point is, it should be REAL self-care, not the kind that feels good and then turns out to make things worse.)
Thank you for reading today - writing about my experience is another supportive practice I reach for inside overwhelm, because it helps me (+ it might help you).
My wish for you right now is that you move through overwhelm + get to the other side with deeper wisdom, greater Love, and the strength to keep going.
xx, alycia buenger
(DISCLAIMER: none of the above should ever replace getting help from a trusted counselor, therapist, or friend if that’s what you need. I am not a therapist, counselor, or medical health professional. This article is about what I do to complement professional forms of support.)
When There's Never Enough Time For You
I’ve felt it. You’ve likely felt it.
“There’s not enough time for me.”
Because there really isn’t - not inside a system that devalues a woman’s time.
We might have the same number of HOURS in the day, but not everyone is deemed the same amount of VALUABLE by society (and not everyone has the same number of OPPORTUNITIES to use time freely).
I’ve felt it. You’ve likely felt it.
“There’s not enough time for me.”
Because there really isn’t - not inside a system that devalues a woman’s time.
We might have the same number of HOURS in the day, but not everyone is deemed the same amount of VALUABLE by society (and not everyone has the same number of OPPORTUNITIES to use time freely).
Mothers especially are asked to “hold down the fort” while the world bumps along around us, without us, overtop us (even if we follow the ways of income-making).
I want to do my part in changing that.
And I have a twofold mission: To consciously UNRAVEL inside day-to-day life (expand our experience of time with short-and-sweet, devoted practice!); and to consciously question the system that asks us to de-value our time currency and squeeze into smaller and smaller spaces.
We practice together. We question together. We unravel together.
My work exists to support you in putting more of yourself inside your days - so that you’re no longer squeezing in time for yourself between or after.
Because you are priority - if not inside the world, inside this space.
This is my offering to you, and to those who feel the “not enough time” mantra of modern-day society.
It’s where I make my art: It’s the place that holds my writing + my teaching. It’s birthed within and from my own experience (and now, mixed with yours!)
This is the practice, the answer-seeking, the resting place, the try-and-try again place, the reminder that you can devote yourself to your Self - even when things are harder than hard.
And my hope is that it becomes a community of support along the way.
Check out my latest project: UNRAVEL YOUR DAYS.
xx, alycia buenger