Why I Write Stories
I started writing stories when I was young. My mom has file folders packed with elementary school essays and journaling pages.
I liked writing stories because I could control the ending (or, the whole thing really).
I especially liked writing the kinds of stories that have no problems, no misunderstandings, and no climax - just happy, happy, happy from beginning to end.
Which is why my stories were boring as hell.
I understand that our most challenging moments, and the big feelings that follow, are required for Real Life. I understand that’s what makes the good moments even better.
I understand, intellectually.
I started writing stories when I was young. My mom has file folders packed with elementary school essays and journaling pages.
I liked writing stories because I could control the ending (or, the whole thing really).
I especially liked writing the kinds of stories that have no problems, no misunderstandings, and no climax - just happy, happy, happy from beginning to end.
Which is why my stories were boring as hell.
I understand that our most challenging moments, and the big feelings that follow, are required for Real Life. I understand that’s what makes the good moments even better.
I understand, intellectually.
But I also find it deeply annoying, particularly when I’m inside the hard times. And right now, I am.
Like many of you I’ve been swimming upstream for most of this year.
My anxiety (or, my “dragons” as my kids like to say) reared its head in February, and it's been a bumpy ride since. I was accepted to graduate school, and then I dropped out. We decided to have a third baby, and then I lost the pregnancy.
There’s been sickness, and broken friendships, and big feelings I don’t know what to do with.
(Thank god for my therapist, and my husband, and my personal commitment to sacred practice. But still. It’s been a long year.)
For the last several weeks especially I’ve been inside this hole of anxiety that says: “You have to control everything.
You have to make the scary parts go away, and you do that by controlling what happens next.”
And as we all know by now, controlling everything (or anything) is impossible - and any attempt to make it reality only prolongs the hard moments of suffering.
I know this, intellectually.
But my body in its Wholeness is not only intellectual: my physical body needs a physical reminder that it’s safe, my mental body needs a mental reminder that it’s okay to rest, and my spiritual body needs a loving reminder that it’s important here, too (and not forgotten or ignored).
So, today I leave you with a few practices I’ve found helpful lately - this is a series of “Self-Compassion Breaks” by Dr. Kristin Neff. (I particularly enjoy the Tender Self-Compassion Break, the General Self-Compassion Break, and the Loving-Kindness Meditation.)
And some good news:
I no longer write stories full of happy beginnings, middles, and ends.
I just write.
I write not to control the story, but to tell mine from within and around the good and hard moments.
I write to process what’s happening, to move through big feelings, to tell the whole story as it relates to my life (which often allows me to relate to the whole story as it relates to your life).
I hope that’s what keeps us both connected - to ourselves, to each other, to the earth, to the collective.
with so much love, alycia buenger
How To Create Rituals For Daily Life
The purpose of RITUAL practice is often to signify a change from the everyday experience, he said.
This happens with “coming of age” rituals, holiday traditions, marriage ceremonies, baptisms (all sacred ceremonies you find within different religions and spiritual traditions).
But this also happens with things like bedtime prayers, journaling practice, and morning routines.
Because, put simply: a RITUAL is something you do in patterned intervals to mark an important change.
One of my first and most formative college classes was called “Myth and Ritual.”
I chose this class specifically because I didn’t personally enjoy either (and that’s always the perfect reason to learn more, I think).
I entered the class with the general opinion that RITUAL practice distracts us from real connection: to ourselves, to Spirit.
(You might notice the similarity between my opinion and the history of denominations in the Christian Church: following the split from Catholicism, then Lutheranism - there have been fewer and fewer “repeat after me” rituals in the Church.)
But, my professor held a different perspective (or several).
The purpose of RITUAL practice is often to signify a change from the everyday experience, he said.
This happens with “coming of age” rituals, holiday traditions, marriage ceremonies, baptisms (all sacred ceremonies you find within different religions and spiritual traditions).
But this also happens with things like bedtime prayers, journaling practice, and morning routines.
Because, put simply: a RITUAL is something you do in patterned intervals to mark an important change.
From waking up to starting the day.
From working to playing.
From alone time to family time.
From summer to fall.
From winter to spring.
From Thanksgiving to Christmas+Hanukkah.
From Lent to Easter.
And a RITUAL might be something you do once every year or every day. It can be elaborate or simple (the choice is yours).
But the purpose is to signify (to you and to everyone around you) that what you’re doing now holds a different importance, a higher frequency, a special energy.
What you’re doing now is Sacred.
And this is important! Because my belief is that we’re Sacred beings, our lives hold Sacred importance!
Why can’t more of what we do be bathed in ritual?
Why can’t we ritualize seemingly unimportant, mundane parts of everyday life?
Why can’t we create rituals outside the ones passed along?
We can. And my opinion is that we should.
Ritualize the simple things we do everyday to support our Becoming, the small actions or inactions we do on purpose, because this is what creates POSSIBILITY.
For ourselves and for our world.
There are lots of ways to do this! There are lots of variations of “how to create RITUAL” to support your sacred becoming (and no one-size-fits-all).
For me, it’s a cyclical unraveling of forever asking, “What will support me right now? And now?”
My best advice, though? Just get started. Then you have something to digest, change, and/or add onto.
xx, alycia buenger
What To Do When You're Feeling Anxious + Overwhelmed
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
I’m writing to you in the middle of overwhelm (which always makes me question whether I really know what I’m doing, whether I really know how to support anyone - including myself).
When I say “overwhelm,” I’m talking about what I experience as overwhelm:
anxiety, fear, anger, confusion, not-enough-ness, too-much-ness, wishing to be BOTH completely alone + completely surrounded by my favorite people (and maybe Oprah, and Kristen Bell’s character on The Good Place for good measure).
Basically, I’m feeling lots of things at once and almost no clarity about any of it.
I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.
Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.
Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.
Which is the point I think: to move through the feeling, to get to the other side.
So here’s what I’m doing today, to get to the other side (I hope it serves as a reminder, for me and for you, when overwhelm inevitably shows up again) -
FIRST, I’m slowing the fuck down.
Which honestly sounds insane, since my whole life moves at a snail’s pace (with young kids who do the same three things on repeat + inside a worldwide quarantine).
But my mind has a hard time slowing down, even (or especially) inside motherhood.
To support myself and my busy brain, I’m reading a favorite novel from childhood (to give my thinking-self a quick break) + cancelling all afternoon plans to sit outside with my girls.
(Please note: creating time to read + cancelling plans isn’t possible for everyone right now. My goal in life is to make it more possible, for myself and other womxn - because if we don’t slow down voluntarily, our bodies often make it a do-or-die necessity.)
SECOND, I’m pulling out my (mental) list of “what feels good,” and doing the ONE thing that will support me now.
I have a long, long list of what feels good + supportive… but I’m not trying to overwhelm my already-overwhelmed self, right?
JUST PICK ONE is my forever mantra. For me right now, it’s painting my nails the color that makes me feel powerful today: sparkles.
(And P.S. Yes, eating ice cream feels good; yes, binge-scrolling Instagram feels good… until it doesn’t.
I’m talking about the really easy, simple, five-minute things we can DO: like 10 squats at the kitchen counter, or taking a steamy-hot shower, or grabbing drive-through coffee.
The point is, it should be REAL self-care, not the kind that feels good and then turns out to make things worse.)
Thank you for reading today - writing about my experience is another supportive practice I reach for inside overwhelm, because it helps me (+ it might help you).
My wish for you right now is that you move through overwhelm + get to the other side with deeper wisdom, greater Love, and the strength to keep going.
xx, alycia buenger
(DISCLAIMER: none of the above should ever replace getting help from a trusted counselor, therapist, or friend if that’s what you need. I am not a therapist, counselor, or medical health professional. This article is about what I do to complement professional forms of support.)
Lead With Desire: How To Do MORE Of What You Want
Some of the greatest teachers of our time (Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map, all of Glennon Doyle’s words) - they say, “Desire is what leads us deeper into ourselves!”
And that’s my experience, too.
LEAD WITH DESIRE is one of the key parts of my work: first, because women often don't (and why not experiment!); second, because that's what's divinely gifted as guidance in the right direction.
The basic rule is this: Ritualize what supports you (i.e. do more of what you desire). And limit what doesn't (i.e. do less of what you don't).
Once upon a time I had an incredible therapist (who I hated) who said, “What you need is a box full of supports, metaphorical and in real-life, to keep you grounded when you’re ready to fly away.”
At the time I thought, “NO, what I need is a brain transplant, because I can’t escape the hard-ness of motherhood, and maybe, probably, another brain might?”
She was right, though.
What I needed was a go-to list of what supports me: When I’d rather eat ice-cream than write about my feelings, When I’d rather binge Netflix than roll out my mat, When I’d rather walk away from my family than plow through another hard conversation.
(If this all sounds rather serious, that’s because life is serious business. Fun maybe, but serious - and sometimes harder than we imagine possible.)
Quite frankly, I’m still not great with this practice.
I have my list, I have my box full of items that remind me I’m a Good, Whole person with a Soul-Purpose and a long, long list of reasons to show up.
But still, my practice is… a practice.
The important realization here is that: Everything inside my “support system box” is everything I love most.
And holy smokes, if that’s not the solution to the problem in the first place.
Do MORE of what you want, MORE of what you deep-down desire… and LESS of what you don’t.
Some of the greatest teachers of our time (Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map, all of Glennon Doyle’s words) - they say, “Desire is what leads us deeper into ourselves!”
And that’s my experience, too.
LEAD WITH DESIRE is one of the key parts of my work: first, because women often don't (and why not experiment!); second, because that's what's divinely gifted as guidance in the right direction.
Thoughts on this? Share ‘em in the comments below!
xx, alycia buenger