Instead of embracing LIFE, I make sure I don’t enjoy things “too much,” just in case I have to quickly prepare for losing everything and enveloping myself inside grief.

And god, it’s exhausting.

I understand (intellectually) that it’s not about “losing” so much as “cycling through” what naturally comes from LIFE: change, transition, then death. I understand (intellectually) that we cannot have life without these things.

I just didn’t realize how desperately afraid of death (and life) I’ve become.

And who would have thought that I’d travel 200 miles to realize all this? To realize, too, that I have everything I want and need within the life I’m already living.

I started writing stories when I was young. My mom has file folders packed with elementary school essays and journaling pages.

I liked writing stories because I could control the ending (or, the whole thing really).

I especially liked writing the kinds of stories that have no problems, no misunderstandings, and no climax - just happy, happy, happy from beginning to end.

Which is why my stories were boring as hell.

I understand that our most challenging moments, and the big feelings that follow, are required for Real Life. I understand that’s what makes the good moments even better.

I understand, intellectually.

I’ve been in the “regularly anxious and overwhelmed” category since I was a kid.

Overwhelm is so familiar to me by now, I often know the cause, and even the solution! But somehow, it’s still incredibly hard to escape.

Probably because, I’m trying to escape… v. stay long enough to move through it.

Some of the greatest teachers of our time (Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map, all of Glennon Doyle’s words) - they say, “Desire is what leads us deeper into ourselves!”

And that’s my experience, too.

LEAD WITH DESIRE is one of the key parts of my work: first, because women often don't (and why not experiment!); second, because that's what's divinely gifted as guidance in the right direction.

The basic rule is this: Ritualize what supports you (i.e. do more of what you desire). And limit what doesn't (i.e. do less of what you don't).