Why I Quit Graduate School
I made this "choice" from a slew of non-options, in honor of myself and in defiance of unfair, unjust practices within academia.
It was a hard, painful decision - because I’ve planned to return to school since I graduated in 2014; but it’s also the decision that feels most in alignment with who I am and what I want now.
I feel grounded in this choice. But also I’m grieving, I’m raging, I’m releasing.
I was supposed to start grad school at the beginning of this month. But less than a week before the start of classes, I withdrew from term.
I found out, belatedly, that taking only one class per semester meant losing access to financial support; that scheduling the courseload that works for me and my family would require me to pay out-of-pocket, right now.
Something I hadn't planned for.
At first I felt defeated: one more barrier to my education.
And then I felt angry: the absurdity of it all! The exclusivity of academic institutions that highlight "diversity and inclusion" when they are doing everything possible to NOT diversify or include.
So I withdrew from fall semester, my program, and the university.
I made this "choice" from a slew of non-options, in honor of myself and in defiance of unfair, unjust practices within academia.
It was a hard, painful decision - because I’ve planned to return to school since I graduated in 2014; but it’s also the decision that feels most in alignment with who I am and what I want now.
I feel grounded in this choice. But also I’m grieving, I’m raging, I’m releasing.
I'm grieving what I thought I would be doing this year, yes. But I'm also feeling this intensity of grief that's not entirely mine: I'm grieving this loss for so many people, so many womxn, so many mothers who are locked out of university for reasons like this, and more.
I'm raging at the unfairness of rules that prevent so many voices (not just mine!) from entering spaces of academic research and study.
I'm releasing the three-year path to a graduate degree. Because I refuse to “choose” between paying out-of-pocket for the fewer classes I need or accepting the constraints of a scholarship or loan that asks me to do more than I can right now.
It's an honoring of myself, but it's also in recognition that these rules are limiting and unfair.
Even if I wiggle around barriers that limit who gets "educated," when, where, and how… what happens if they remain in place? who would I be helping if I focus only on getting myself into school?
In my statement of purpose for admission to graduate school, I said, “If I walk away from spaces (including university) that do not support me now, what does that say to future generations of womxn like me? What does that do for the next generation of mothers? And what does that say to my daughters?”
Because I thought that walking away from graduate school was the same as doing NOTHING to fight against these incredible challenges.
It's not.
Here's what I want my exiting grad school to say to other womxn, other mothers, and my daughters:
“First, we don’t need spaces of injustice to receive an education, to learn, and to become. We can do this, and better, without institutions that promote inequality and ‘oneness’ of path and choice. We do NOT have to accept unfair and manipulative rules as a form of power-over, for ourselves or for anyone else.
A degree is not everything; and sometimes, it’s nothing.
And second, there’s more than one way to fight these barriers to our education. Some people will fight from the inside, but some of us will fight from the outside - until access to education is actually a birthright (and not a compulsory one) for all of us.”
I know it sounds bleak, to have prepared this whole year for something that's now inaccessible. And YES, it’s hard.
But it also feels right; it feels in alignment with my Soul. It feels like I’m ready for something new, something different, something next.
Something that aligns with my life as a mother, too.
So, instead of graduate school, I’m creating An Artist Residency in Motherhood, "a self-directed, open-source artist residency to empower and inspire artists [writers] who are also mothers," created by Lenka Clayton (who I discovered through my friend, Sarah Shotts).
The residency is an opening to creating work not in spite of the challenges posed by motherhood by in alignment with my life as a mother, a writer, a thinker. (Which is exactly what university didn’t allow.)
The same time I had scheduled to attend class, read content, and write papers will be spent doing this work outside the classroom:
exploring my personal relationship (and our public relationship) with schooling, education, learning, and teaching
redefining the way I think about creating (it's not ONLY something I do alone; it's not ONLY something I do for fun) + the way I think about money-making (it's not ONLY something "other than" what I create)
creating alongside my life, as a mother of young kids and someone who "unschools" at home
You can read more about the specifics right here.
looking forward to sharing more soon, xx, alycia buenger
The Fallacy of Consistent Marketing
There's this "marketing rule" that says the key to business success is -
My commitment to CONSISTENCY.
Which makes sense, kind of: the more consistently I show up in your social media feed, the more consistently you'll think about my work. The more consistently I send valuable content to your inbox, the more consistently you'll have the opportunity to purchase.
(Which is also to say, I’ve failed on all counts - and will likely continue to fail.)
There's this "marketing rule" that says the key to business success is -
My commitment to CONSISTENCY.
Which makes sense, kind of: the more consistently I show up in your social media feed, the more consistently you'll think about my work. The more consistently I send valuable content to your inbox, the more consistently you'll have the opportunity to purchase.
(Which is also to say, I’ve failed on all counts - and will likely continue to fail.)
BUT, let's also remember that business owners, big and small, who rely on online marketing are primarily dealing with social media algorithms that prioritize whichever companies pay for ads (and pay the most for ads).
And we're all dealing with information overload, inside our email inbox and everywhere else.
(If you’re not sure about this (yet), watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix for a deep dive into the incredible problems with technology companies.)
Is CONSISTENCY really what people want? (Is it, maybe, what we’ve been “trained” to want?)
The idea behind this “Rule of Marketing” is that a business owner's consistency invites customer/client loyalty - because "consistency builds trust," right?
But actually, customer/client loyalty (like all kinds of loyalty) stems from the trust that develops as you follow-through with your promises - whatever they are.
What if I choose to make different promises to you than "consistency"?
What if I promise to take care of myself first, so whatever I create for you is top-notch?
What if I promise to hold boundaries with social media - for myself and my family, but also so that YOU can do the same?
What if I promise to "market to you the way I’d like to receive marketing"? (See what I did with that Golden Rule, Mom?)
My battle with consistency is ongoing (I’ve previously written about my devotion to practice v. my consistency)
But I’m starting to understand that my consistency is “allowed” to wane, much like the moon is “allowed” to wane for a quarter of every month.
Like the moon, I have phases of my month, my week, my day. Like the moon, I have phases of my effort, my enthusiasm, my confidence.
And this is our Natural Creative Cycle - it mirrors that of the Moon:
the new moon: for resting, intending
the waxing moon: for planting, embracing
the full moon: for growing, enjoying
the waning moon: for harvesting, releasing
Like the moon, I am forever reliable, trustworthy - but never consistently the “same.” Like the moon, I am always changing, always moving in cycle.
That’s the kind of consistency I hope you embody, too: the kind that’s not “sameness” but evolution.
So here’s your invitation (if you need one) to wane, to rest, to release if necessary - or to embrace, to grow, to enjoy.
You, like me, mirror the phases of the moon; and I hope you, like me, hold reverence for all of us.